No, I’m not a jaded person. I’ve simply looked at reality and adapted to it.
- People change.
- Fairytales are for books.
- I can’t change you.
- Who I am matters.
Sexlessness shouldn’t be MY problem. It’s actually yours. It’s now part of my life because I believed in monogamy. I trusted it. I trusted you too.
To hell with you! This insane control over sex is going to stop here and now!
I’ve done the counselling sessions. I supported you and did the therapy. I’ve heard every excuse in the book:
- Too tired.
- Too busy.
- Visitors in house.
- Neighbours will know.
- Too sick.
- Taking a break.
Taking a break?
How can you take a break from something you never do?
So I asked for a change. It was a radical suggestion, I know. I never thought I’d ever hear myself speak those words either. I asked to open the relationship up. You declined. That’s your right. It’s also my right to live without pain. With or without your permission, that pain will go.
Tonight, I’ve made a date with someone. I plan to have sex and it won’t be with you. I’d like to think it’ll be everything I’ve dreamt it to be. Even if it’s half of that, it’ll be ten thousand percent better than the icy alternatives. I’m trying not to say those words :”But it’s YOUR fault.”
I’m trying to be nice about this. I’m even trying to find the guilt to make this prickly journey worth it. Perhaps it’ll come afterwards. I sure hope it does. You’re worth some.
I’m nervous. I’m excited. I know what to do when I’m there but not sure how to get it there. I’m so used to you saying ‘no’ that I’m afraid I’ll waste a perfectly good opportunity. I hope I don’t – and I kind of hate you for doing that. Fourteen years of no’s changes a person.
I never saw what you did as abuse. No one would agree with me anyhow. I’m on my own.
So tonight it’ll be about me. I’ll try and forget all that stuff and let go. It’s not the way I would’ve preferred things but it’s the way they have to be. I just wish you would’ve paid more attention and believed in me. It’s not like you didn’t know. I tried and tried.
I love you.- Ax
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