I have been married for a year. It was a love match. My husband and I love each other, but to date he has not consummated our marriage. He does not initiate intimacy, and when I am in a romantic mood, he will push me away, saying he is sleepy or tired. He shows absolutely no interest in sex.
I try to console myself by telling myself that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. But sometimes I feel worried, stressed and sad over this issue. We are a young couple, yet we do not have a normal sex life. Do you have any advice for me? – Miss X
Dear Miss X,
There can be many reasons for which people are not interested in sex. Whatever it is, the only way to deal with the situation is to confront it directly with your hubby and discuss possible solutions together.
This is a delicate matter to raise in a relationship, and it is very important to be tactful. Before you even broach the subject with your hubby, there are a few things you have to come to terms with. Sex is not love and neither is it a sign of love. It is something that happens consensually between two people who are in a relationship. So just because your husband is not having sexual relations with you, it does not mean that he does not love you or care for you.
WHAT ABOUT HIDDEN ASEXUALITY?
Ashley Madison — a dating site for married people looking to have affairs — surveyed 74,600 members from 26 different countries about how often they have sex with their spouses and U.S. women topped the list when it came to sexless marriages.
Specifically, 22 percent of the American women surveyed admitted to having no sex with their husbands at all. The numbers were lower in other parts of the world; 18 percent of women from the UK, 16 percent from Hong Kong, 12 percent from Spain, 9 percent from France, 8 percent from Italy and 8 percent from Brazil said the same.
“Married people in the U.S. face the same dilemmas as their international counterparts when it comes to keeping their marital bed active,” said a rep from Ashley Madison. “But our unprecedented global study showed nearly 1 in 5 unhappily married women in the U.S. are in a sexless marriage, and I’m fairly sure that was not what they committed to on their wedding day.”
Of the 74,600 people surveyed, 33,500 were from the U.S.
THE SECRET to marital bliss is not very sexy, researchers announced Wednesday.
Couples having sex every day are not necessarily happier, a new study published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology reveals.
Those doing the deed once a week are just as cheery, researchers said.
“Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week,” lead researcher Amy Muise said.
“Our findings suggest that it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don’t need to have sex every day as long as you’re maintaining that connection.”
Couples shouldn’t put “too much pressure on engaging in sex as frequently as possible,” she suggested.
The study was based on data collected over four decades from a survey of 30,000 Americans in relationships.
“Our findings were consistent for men and women, younger and older people, and couples who had been married for a few years or decades,” Muise said.
But there was no association between sexual frequency and happiness for singles, noted Muise, a social psychologist at the University of Toronto-Mississauga.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to 65 Year-Old Man with a 45-year-old Approach to Life who complained about his wife’s lack of desire. Really? I would love to hear her side! Methinks she would speak the truth and put an honest spin on “Mr. Romance, I need stimulation.”
I also live in a sexless, lonely marriage. Sports and drinking are his first loves. He gained a lot of weight in our early years together and ignores his doctor’s advice to lose it. He used to fall asleep on top of me after having sex, snore all night and awaken refreshed while I stumbled through my day exhausted from lack of sleep.
I struggled through years of feeling very lonely as he isn’t a talker. We stopped going out to restaurants because he doesn’t talk, and I got tired of having a one-way conversation. I cook great meals and keep a lovely home because it gives me a lift. He has done some pretty horrible things in our years together, and I chose to be the loyal wife and stood by his side. He has never protected me, never looks into my eyes or has romantic conversations with me.
We have no dreams, no goals and no desires. He gets excited when there are two hockey games on TV at the same time. How could I possibly get stimulated enough to be intimate with this man? If I could write a song describing our life together, it would be titled “I lost me when I met you.”
— Sadly Coping, Winnipeg
Dear Sadly Coping: And your husband is sadly coping too, as you are not intimate with him and don’t like his personality anymore. Why did you stay and waste all those years? Why not leave now and both of you can salvage the years you have left? The divorce taboo is over, and there’s nothing worse than feeling desperately lonely while trapped with somebody who keeps you from finding a companion with mutual interests to love, enjoy and have a sexual relationship with.
Are you unable to work and support yourself? It’s not too late to change your life. In fact, you would be free and less lonely if you dumped this man who is such a negative influence. You sound like platonic roommates. What was he like in the beginning? Why did you marry him? Why stay after he did “some pretty horrible things?”
Life on this planet (if you are lucky enough to have the wherewithal to live, eat and be comfortable) is a gift to make much of. People can do that if they surround themselves with the right people. You know he is wrong for you. You’re being loyal to someone you say is causing you to lose your very self — your soul. You can’t give that away to anybody. It’s all any of us have.
More than half the couples I counsel each week have not had sex with their partner in over a year. A large number of these couples are over 40 years of age and use the changes to their physiology as their excuse to avoid sexual intimacy.
For others, sex ended with the birth of their children or due to plain ‘ol repetition and boredom.
However, these are all excuses for the real issue. Can’t quite put your finger on it? Here are some of the top “reasons” couples settle for a sexless relationship:
1. You don’t like talking about sex
While many couples are uncomfortable talking about sex, in my experience, they’re generally not comfortable talking about anything with each other and have huge communication issues. After tons of medical advances I’ve yet to hear of anyone reading minds, thus, it’s important that you sit down and discuss your pleasures and desires (both current and potential) with your spouse. Be sure the two of you build a safe place, for you to discuss these topics without judgment.
2. You don’t really understand the mechanics of sexuality and lust
There are specific stages that sexual activity generally move through (desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory) and many couples don’t understand how to utilize this knowledge for the deepest, and most satisfying connection.
3. You’re on antidepressants
Many antidepressants, typically, have a sexual side-effect profile, which can typically impact many men and women. Perhaps, speak to your doctor about alternatives or new ways to boost your libido.
4. You rarely get enough sleep
In our under-slept culture, sleep deficiency drains us of energy for sex play, thus impacting our mood and desire for intimacy. Make sure you’re catching the recommended amount of z’s for the best performance possible.
5. You’re ignoring the effects of aging
As the “baby boomers” advance in age, issues involving menopause and erectile dysfunction become more prevalent. If this is the case, I recommend getting your doctor’s opinion. These types of conditions don’t have to mean the end of your sex life, it simply means adapting.
6. You view the sexual problems as your partner’s issue, instead of yours as a couple
Issues of shame and guilt prevent us from acknowledging, communicating, and solving our sexual issues as a team. The sooner you can admit and pinpoint your role in any issues the two of you are having in the bedroom, the sooner you can get things booming again.
If you are experiencing some of this and have a question for me, I hold a free tele-seminar every month where I answer your most important questions about relationships, romance, intimacy or sexuality. You can find out more at askadamnow.com
A new survey has revealed that one in three couples (32%) in a long term relationship or marriage have sex so infrequently now that they can’t remember the last time they had it, with one in ten (10%) even admitting to no longer having a sexual relationship at all.
The study by The Fantasy Box also shows that 61% of those surveyed admit to enjoying a better sex life in previous relationships, with over a third of couples (38%) aged 25-44 blaming family life getting in the way, and nearly half (49%) putting it down to not having the confidence to communicate regularly about their sexual fantasies desires.
For younger couples aged 18-25, work life priorities were cited as the most common reason (19%), and for the grey generation aged 55 plus, not feeling as fit as healthy as they once affected half (50%) of respondents.
Over a third (39%) also admitted to hiding their sexual fantasies from their current partner, stating also (38%) that they just don’t talk about sex anymore. Over a quarter also confessed to being scared of their partners’ reaction (27%) and suffering from a lack of confidence in the bedroom department (27%).
For those couples citing sex as the number one “elephant in the room” in their relationship, nearly a quarter (24%) felt there was not enough information on products and services out there out there to support affected relationships. Half of these of these respondents (50%) suggested they would consider trying dedicated date nights, with nearly one in five (18%) admitting to wanting to experiment more with sex toys to spice things up.
Mariah Byrne, the co-founder of The Fantasy Box said: “This research shows just how much our sex lives are suffering, and how much of an impact it’s having on the happiness of even the most committed relationships. But it’s not that we don’t want it, we just don’t talk about what we really want!
“Our research showed that whilst a quarter (25%) of the UK have read 50 Shades of Grey, (raising to over a third for those couples aged 18-34) many more of us are too afraid to share our own fantasies with our partners or even talk about sex at all. It appears we’re happy to read about it, but when it comes to our own relationships, we take the stiff upper lip approach and become rather reserved!
“As a woman, I founded The Fantasy Box with my partner Chris with one mission – to bring back our happy sex lives! We believe that a happy sex life is one of the, if not the, most important elements in a happy long term relationship. And it all starts with talking to your partner, sharing what you really want, getting over the fear of rejection or embarrassment. And then doing it! So we started a subscription service that will not only help you take your intimacy to the next level, but also rediscover your relationship, inside the bedroom and out. Our aim is make monogamy the sexiest thing on the planet!”
TOP 10 FANCY DRESS FANTASIES
1. Doctor & Nurse
2. French Maid
5. Playgirl Bunny
6. Air Hostess
9. Victoria’s Secret Angel
The Fantasy Box launched in the UK on 13th-15th November at Sexpo, and aims to help partners discover what they like, both individually, and as a couple, through communication and discovery. For more information on the revolutionary date night tool, please visit www.thefantasybox.com.
Sex seems to be one of those topics that can take on a life of it’s own. Whether we’re seeing it played out in movies by Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson in Something’s Gotta Give, reading about it in graphic detail in popular books like 50 Shades of Grey, or hearing about George Clooney’s latest ‘conquest’ (before he married his now-wife of course), it seems like sex is everywhere and everyone is doing it.
But how much about this fantasy of an over-active sex life is actually real? If we were to believe everything we read on the internet and popular media, we’d be forgiven for thinking the whole world is full of frisky couples who can’t keep their hands off each other. When it comes to real life though, it’s a different story.
A new survey of 5,000 people in long-term relationships has found that most couples rate sex as an unimportant factor in their relationship. When asked the question: “How important is sex in keeping a couple happy and in love?” the majority of couples agreed sex just wasn’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
In fact, 66% of couples said they are happy to have sex only three times a month. Instead of sex, these couples valued other things like laughing together, being cared for, feeling safe, and being happy as much more meaningful and significant in maintaining a healthy and happy marriage.
While we’re often told a sexless marriage is something to be feared and fixed; the reality is though, most people are happy to keep the sex to a minimum. That’s not to say there aren’t couples who enjoy getting physical more than a few times a week. The point the survey makes though, is that if you’re in a relationship that’s more about hugs and kisses than wild nights in the bedroom, you’re not alone – you’re not even unique!
When asked “What do you like best about your relationship?” these were the top answers:
1. Laughing together.
2. Sharing values and interests.
3. Being best friends.
4. Being cared for and feeling supported.
5. Feeling safe and secure.
6. Being happy.
8. Sharing a close relationship.
9. Talking and listening.
10. Being in love and/or being loved.
They all sound like pretty good answers!
A WOMAN offered her husband the chance to visit a prostitute as the pair live together in a sexless marriage.
Mum-of-three Sara Collins, 46, and her husband Graham, 47, have slept in separate bedrooms for over five years.
The couple, from Sussex, have three children: Ella, 15, Jude, 11, Jake, seven.
After having kids, Sara claims that she felt less of an urge to have sex.
She explained: “I had a number of miscarriages so when I did get pregnant Graham didn’t want to touch me for safety reasons.
“Then when I was breastfeeding he found it inappropriate for us to have sex.”
When their youngest son Jake turned two, the couple moved into separate bedrooms because they were both keeping each other awake from snoring.
Even though Sara claims she still fancies her husband, they’re now living in a sexless marriage.
Unfazed Graham assures: “I have gone past caring, I don’t bother asking anymore.”
Sara isn’t worried that Graham might turn his affections to another woman.
She said: “We have an open, honest relationship, we talk about everything and that is the most important thing.”
At one point, Sara even suggested that Graham went to see a prostitute if sex was “that important to him”.
She confessed: “We are very open about having an affair.
“If either of us felt the need to go and have an affair and be intimate with someone as long as we have had that conversation if it fine, we have had that agreement all our relationship.”
Research reveals that living in a sexless marriage isn’t uncommon, with one in four couples admitting the intimacy has fizzled.
This Morning relationship expert Annabelle Knight advised the couple that having sex was important in a relationship.
She said: “Like going to the gym, you might not feel like it but when you are there you will be glad you went.”
Source (with video included): http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/6948710/Mum-of-three-says-she-would-pay-for-her-husband-to-visit-a-prostitute-as-she-can-no-longer-face-having-sex-with-him.html
I have been seeing a guy for about six months now and he is great — intelligent, attractive, creative, hilarious. We behave as a couple in all ways, but our relationship is at the moment sexless. Over the duration of us seeing each other, we have only ever had sex twice, the second time being almost two months ago now. The first time he was unable to perform, was incredibly embarrassed, and I think he may still be hung up about that even though I assured him it wasn’t a big deal to me at all. We definitely still have chemistry and even talk sexually all the time, but he’s been coming up with excuses not to do it. I really care about and am attracted to my guy, but I’m not sure how to bring up his hesitancy toward sex without potentially hurting his pride. After getting shut down a few times, I’m also lacking in confidence to just go for it and initiate sex, so we are in a real rut. What should I do?
When guys have trouble performing, they often get squirrelly. As hard as it can be for a guy to get it up, it can be harder for him to get over it. And performance anxiety is just that — anxiety. People react to anxiety in all kinds of ways, and it sounds like your guy is avoiding his, which is completely normal but not particularly productive.
It’s lovely that you worry about hurting his pride, but you’re right: You do need to find a way to bring this up. Since he’s shutting you down when you make a pass, I think the best option is probably to gently but seriously raise the issue. Then, don’t let him dodge or cut off the conversation.
Start with flattery. Tell him what you told me — that he’s “great, intelligent, attractive, creative, hilarious.” And tell him you think he’s hot. Tell him you think sex is an important part of any relationship, then say, “I want to have sex with you, so let’s figure this out.” Notice I said, “Let’sfigure this out.” Yes, he’s the one who was “unable to perform,” but both of you need to work on your sexual relationship.