You want to fix your partner’s libido? You want them to improve their level of physical intimacy?
Well, you’ve found the right place to get an honest answer.
Short answer: You can’t do it.
Longer answer: You can’t make another person change. Unless they want to change, you can’t fix them. It’s up to them to make a move to improving sex within your relationship and yours to support it, doing what you can to meet their needs. But if they continue to ignore it or pretend this issue doesn’t exist then perhaps you have all your questions answered in one.
You may disagree. You may think you can do something. It’s nice you think you can always do more. Yes, optimism helps. You’ll need it. Unfortunately dedication isn’t always enough and you won’t get an award for sticking it out and hurting the most or longest. Martyrs gain nothing. All they they lose is time and energy.
Stop Beating Yourself Up: Blaming yourself for your partner’s lack of libido only adds to the pain. Did you know that the most attentive, caring, sensitive lover can still find themselves in a sexless marriage? It’s not anything they have done to the relationship, it’s their partner’s choice to withdraw. Take a look around the internet and read those suffering, most of those stuck in this sexual dilemma aren’t assholes to their lovers. They are genuinely decent people spending a great deal of time trying to rectify their situations, organising romantic holidays, sending children away while their sexless partners continue to stifle sex in their unique and varied ways.
Your options living in a sexless relationship.
- Stay and endure.
- Seek professional help.
- Open relationship.
- Secret affair.
- Get out.
1. – Enduring is painful. Busying yourself with things keeps those needs from rising. It works… some of the time.
2. – Counseling acts like a running a highlighter pen over the text that matters most in your life. Counsellors make sense of the arguments, the silences, the words you can’t put together so your partner can hear them. Don’t expect bias though. Words will come back and you may have to do some listening too. Good counselling is like that. Be prepared to make change in yourself.
3. – An open relationship is more practical than you think. An arrangement solves the problems of many as there are many suffering this problems. Suggesting an open relationship may activate your partner… or not. My wife saw my suggestion as an insult. Ironically, she woke up sexually for a couple of weeks after that… then returned to her routine.
4. – Obviously open communication is best but if honesty doesn’t work then it may be time to sort things out yourself with a secret affair. Having been put through the ringer on the sexless issue myself, I don’t judge someone on their choice to go outside the relationship to restore a little of what’s missing.
In my case I had to do this. I love my wife but I couldn’t stand not having sex. She wasn’t open to the idea of an arrangement either. It wasn’t easy to approach this idea at first but I was able to separate love and sex in the end… with a little of my wife’s silence to support my choice… and now I have a blissful night of passionate lovemaking once every few weeks. (I’ve not felt this calm in years. I’m even dreaming again! Some self-respect has returned.)
5. Separating and going your own way is an option too especially if you can’t live with any of the abovementioned options. Never think to yourself that getting out isn’t a reasonable option. It will hurt but it won’t hurt any more than staying and enduring, trying to be a relationship martyr and counting the love vouchers you’ve been storing up over the years.