33,000 people per month seek help via google on their seemingly doomed relationships, preferring to hang onto their dysfunctional ones instead of letting them go. Why? The answer lies with the people you’d least expect: Your family.
It’s normal to want to hang onto a relationship, even a bad one. Commitment is what we seek. It’s what we preach to others and try to practice ourselves… it’s so full of hope. Hope is hopeful and positive. Why abandon hope when it promises so much?
Okay, at some point you know when hope is being lost, rejected, taken for granted. So why not simply set it free and move on?
Guilt and fear stop us.
Whether we’re aware of it or not, we feed these two monsters every day. We are the product of a culture of guilt and fear. Psychological terrorism was passed on to us by those who came before us, our parents and their parents. It wasn’t their intention to do long-term damage with it, theirs was well-intended. We were taught fear to keep us from doing things that could’ve hurt us and guilt was used to punish us for not abiding by fear. They soon became integrated into our daily life and we never felt it happening… applying to everything, including the relationship we form with our lover.
A simple example of fear at work: A first kiss. A first kiss is not something to fear but we fear it just the same. Why? It’s just a kiss. The rest comes from manifestations within fear: Fear of being rejected, fear of being misunderstood or maligned intentions.
Relationships, sex, marriage, children: Magnify our fears tenfold when a long-term relationship starts to turn sour.
Negotiating the plethora of possible partners is hard enough to do at the beginning but when the end is nigh, guilt and fear return to do another number on our heads. This time it’s not attached to hopeful anticipation!
Fact1:
You are not responsible for what someone may or may not think about you, including your partner, assuming they think anything at all. Stop worrying about things you have no control over.
Fact 2:
Endings happen. Happy-ever-after is written for books with a final page. This is life and the chapters of yours are still being written. Your last page hasn’t even been conceived! Don’t mistake an ending of a chapter for an ending of a book. Turn the page, a new chapter is about to start.
Fact 3:
Pleasing everyone is impossible.
Fact 4.
Breaking up hurts. It hurts like death hurts. That’s because we fear the future, fear being alone. Hurt hurts and it’s a part of life. Give hurt time. Time heals hurt.
Fact 5.
Things will improve.
Learning to let go is a skill that can be developed. We can start by jettisoning smaller things from our lives, like personal objects we’ve been carrying around – mostly junk to anyone else. By discarding this junk we’ve started the process. At first, it’s difficult – as it should be – that’s guilt and fear tugging at our emotions, keeping us contained, reminding us that we’re doing something unusual… when clearly we’re not doing anything harmful. We’re simply making a choice to go against a habit, one that will have no effect on anyone else and no disastrous outcomes.
The process gets easier – an odd thing happening in the weeks that follow a ceremonial dumping. Like a stool that hasn’t moved from a bowel in some time, there comes a sensation of quiet relief when it finally does. The new-found freedom and light-headed optimism offer us new opportunities. It seems anything is possible when we learn to let things go.
Relationship constipation is the big one. It involves someone else. This one is harder to move. It would also be torture if we couldn’t let nature take its course here too. It’s destined to end, you already know it, so take a long breath, relax and let it go.
To minimize the pain and help speed up the healing process, here are some additional tips to get you through it!
- Make a plan to let go. It’s important to know what you’re about to do and get a realistic feel of it by writing it down, setting a date and including a series of steps to achieve a definitive, measurable goal. The longer the relationship, the more steps that’ll be needed to unravel it, especially when it comes to financial matters.
- Drink water. It’d be nice to medicate the pain with alcohol but not sensing it isn’t helpful. If you need out then the only way to keep going is to feel the pain that made you write a plan in the first place! Pain is your motivation!
- Exercise. Get moving and get your heart rate up every two days. A brisk walk for 20 mins is enough to do this.
- Sunshine. Somehow rays increase mind strength. If you’re prone to depression or anxiety, get out of your home and make a date with the sun. You don’t have to strip down and roll in it, the skin on your face, arms and legs will work enough magic for you… if you just sat in a chair and sunned yourself. Combining walking and sunshine is perfect.
If you haven’t the time in your life to work any of these tips into your schedule you’ll probably need a new schedule so you can.
Use some or all of my tips as you like but, if you need extra help to manage things, don’t forget that there are professionals to help like counsellors to untangle the thoughts and lawyers to unhitch the financials.
-Michael Forman (Author of a Sexless Marriage Novel)
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A Sexless Marriage
Five Random Victims
Summer Thunderstorms
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Author: M.Forman
Living in a Sexless Relationship. 
Great post 🙂
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